Personal Responsibility

So there's this issue of keeping my job or opening a private practice that I want to address here:

First of all, I have to confess, it doesn't even sound real when I talk about this as a choice I have to make. Now there's an interesting phenomenon:

Whenever I assert myself as the designer of my own life in any obvious way -- I am Eric, hear me roar! -- I default to this sense that the choices I encounter are somehow unreal. That is, when I am faced with the reality that I alone am responsible for the direction of my life, I try to wriggle out of it by convincing myself that the choice isn't even "real." I give away my personal power.

Contrast that to when I'm involved with others -- at work, for example, or in the counseling collective of which I am a part. In those contexts, I generally regard choices as "real" and carrying serious, real-world consequences, like getting fired or kicked out. And why? Because when I perceive others -- particularly people like colleagues and more experienced collective members -- as my superiors, I actively avoid the fact that I and I alone am responsible for what happens in my life.

So where does that leave me and my coaching practice?

Well, it leaves me afraid, frankly. It leaves me staring down two separate and not at all equal paths.

Down the path of risk - of private practice - it is plain as day that my choices will lead to unknowable consequences for which I will be very obviously responsible.

Down the path of safety and security - of keeping my job - I can be assured that showing up day after day, doing what I have agreed to do, is all that will ever be required of me. I can step up when I choose. I can hang back when I choose. It is unlikely that I will have to confront, head on, the reality of personal responsibility -- and no one will ever demand that of me.

Wow. No wonder people who make it on their own are so goddamn proud of themselves.

And what will I decide? Really, at this point I don't know.

Is it cowardly to come to this understanding and turn away, to choose safety and security?

Probably.

Until next time, improve.